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I love my sister. Brother in law-not so much

November 25th, 2008 at 11:08 am

Every year my sister and I alternate where we will be spending Thanksgiving. Since my parents passed away we have been doing this and it works out great. We haven't missed a Thanksgiving yet. She and her family are coming to my house tomorrow. It is about a 5 hour trip my car. We don't get together at Christmas due to unpredictable weather and not wanting to drive that far in the snow.

Now, for the interesting and somewhat insulting part. This year my brother-in-law asked if they could stay in a hotel and not at my house! What? Now, I know I don't live in a mansion but come on. It does tend to be a little crowded but isn't that what the holidays are all about? Being with family? Our house is a cape cod and we have 1 general family room. This is where we watch tv and hang out. I think my BIL doesn't like it because he has no where to hide. At their house he has the whole living room set up as his office and spends all his time there on his computer. I think he doesn't like having the constant interaction and interuptions that occur when there are 4 adults, 3 kids, 3 cats, and 1 dog in a small house. I love it! My sister and I could stay in a shack for 1 week and still have a great time.

I am trying not to let the fact that he doesn't want to stay at our house bother me but I find it insulting. We always do our best to make him feel comfortable. He is the type of person that makes it real well known when he isn't happy. I spend weeks ahead of time trying to come up with things to keep him occupied and happy while he is here and this is what I get.

The truly sad thing is his 8 year old son said to my sister the other day that he can't wait to come see his cousins and play with them BUT he is nervous about how his dad is going to act. Why does an 8 year old have to worry about that?! He shouldn't even be thinking about how his father is going to act because his father is the ADULT.

I am hoping by blogging about it I will be able to put this out of my mind. I am so very thankful for my sister and the close relationship we have. Through the common experience of our childhood we have grown to be best friends. There is an incredible bond between us which even though our parents were alcoholics and both died at an early age, our family circumstance gave my sister and I what we have today. I wouldn't change that for the world. This year as in every year past and every year going forward I am thankful for my sister.

Posted in General thoughts | 15 Comments »

15 Responses to “I love my sister. Brother in law-not so much”

  1. Petunia Says:
    November 25th, 2008 at 11:25 am

    If this were me, I might be very happy that he wasn't staying at my house. He sounds like a wet blanket! You can't please these people (don't ask me how I know - I seem to have a whole family of them). Perhaps your nephew can spend the nights at your house - it's probably really fun for him, since (speculating, based on experience) he doesn't have to tip-toe around his dad's behavior.

  2. gruntina Says:
    November 25th, 2008 at 11:27 am

    While it is not what you wanted, I would try not to take it personally. Be thankful that they all are still coming. It just might be a better compromise for the BIL ahe he/they might let their son stay overnight at your home instead of the motel so BIL can enjoy some quiet time?

  3. princessperky Says:
    November 25th, 2008 at 11:33 am

    As a daughter in law who would love a hotel rather than the MIl's house, please don't take it personally, your ways are not his ways, and yes some of us do like loads of alone time (hard to come by in holiday time...)

    Really wile his responses seem rather rude, I can say a little time not to be surrounded by all that is different can help ease the tension.

    Try to consider it a good thing, and do if you are willing offer to keep the boy. Might be good for all involved.

  4. Ima saver Says:
    November 25th, 2008 at 11:48 am

    I agree, I would much perfer to stay at a hotel or motel than stay with in laws. My in laws keep the temp. in their house about 92 degrees year round and I am miserable.

  5. Ms. Pearl Says:
    November 25th, 2008 at 12:05 pm

    Maybe the cousins can still stay at your house...and the sister too! Let the Brother-in-law hibernate inside the hotel!

  6. MICLASON Says:
    November 25th, 2008 at 12:13 pm

    Agree. Be glad you won't have to tip toe around him so much, and ask your nephew can stay!

  7. anonymous Says:
    November 25th, 2008 at 12:39 pm

    As someone who is a strong introvert and requires a lot of alone time, I would encourage you not to take this personally. Being around lots of people for long periods of time is completely overwhelming for me. While I enjoy visiting my family and DBF's family for a few days at a time, it is extremely draining and I'm always ready to get home to my quiet house. If we are around people for more than a few days, I will find things to do so that I can be alone for a while. Its just the way I'm built.

    "4 adults, 3 kids, 3 cats, and 1 dog in a small house"
    Just reading that makes me cringe. I'm not trying to be rude, just trying to point out that while this is obviously your cup of tea, for many people including myself, it is far from a desirable situation. It wouldn't take very long in the above situation for my nerves to be shot, my patience to run out, and me to be generally overwhelmed. I don't know your BIL, but I know plenty of people who would be much happier staying in a hotel and having a bit of an escape.

    I agree with other's suggestions that perhaps BIL can stay in the hotel and your sister and their son can stay at your place. It may keep everyone happier and sane.

  8. whitestripe Says:
    November 25th, 2008 at 12:53 pm

    hmmm. i tend to agree with everyone else. i like my space and i get a bit edgy when there are heaps of people around. but on holidays i tend to suck it up. maybe letting the nephew stay at your house isnt a bad idea, and you can quietly mention to your sister that she is welcome to stay overnight as well.

  9. Joan.of.the.Arch Says:
    November 25th, 2008 at 01:22 pm

    When you and sis made the decision to alternate TGiving locations, did you each consult spouses and spouses' families? Perhaps a long term obligation has been imposed that does not take into consideration desire to be with other people as well, or even just to REST during one of the few holidays that many people get several days away from work....Aside from that, I think you should go ahead and be sad not to have your sister's family there as much during the holiday, but promise yourself to accept it without judgment. There are many people who prefer hotels to staying in the hosts' homes. And there are many people who switch to doing that after some years---for many innocent reasons which a host should not feel insulted about, regardless of the voiced reason for the switch.

  10. monkeymama Says:
    November 25th, 2008 at 05:21 pm

    I wouldn't take it personally. & I wouldn't read that much into it. I say that coming from a family of introverts who prefer to stay in hotels not only for our own personal reasons, but also out of respect for our host. But I guess it works since we all pretty much feel the same way.

    So, sorry it bummed you out, but just wanted to say I wouldn't read so much into it. Hopefully it works out.

  11. Analise Says:
    November 25th, 2008 at 05:21 pm

    Don't take it personally. My DH prefers to stay in hotels instead of with some of his own relatives... he likes his quiet downtime. My sister and I are like you and your sister... we could stay together in a tiny room for a week and have fun.

    I do think you should ask if you nephew could stay at your house to give him more time with his cousins. And, maybe your DS and BIL could benefit from some alone time w/o their child.

  12. jIM_Ohio Says:
    November 25th, 2008 at 05:24 pm

    I'm with BIL.

    He might not like animals and if you are this judgemental behind his back, what are you like directly to him? He needs his space and you should not fault him for wanting to make his holiday enjoyable.

  13. Koppur Says:
    November 25th, 2008 at 07:45 pm

    Wow, you could have been describing my sister and BIL. He is the same. And him and I do NOT get along. It's different if he tries hard, too, but if the BIL isn't even trying, it stinks. I agree with Putunia. Let him stay at a hotel if he wants. You and sis can still stay up late having fun.

  14. campfrugal Says:
    November 26th, 2008 at 05:21 am

    I agree with Mrs. Pearl. Let you sister and kids stay with you, if they want, and BIL can stay at the hotel. Less stress for everyone. But, why are the Holidays always so complicated and stressful. That is how I always feel and my SIL starts stressing over it before Halloween.

  15. overwhelmed Says:
    December 16th, 2008 at 09:28 am

    I am the inlaw that needs peace and quiet in order to remain sane during extended family gatherings. This holiday my SIL informed me she and her family ( 2 adults, 3 kids) will be staying with us for a WEEK in our tiny ranch house (2 adults, 4 kids).
    I am looking to our her in a hotel. The kids can do sleepovers if wanted. I need R&R from the non-stop noise and chaos of the family gatherings. I fear she'll be offended by my hotel offer, but I need a sanctuary to regroup and that is my home. I enjoy their visits, but I enjoy my sanity more.

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